As I sit at home alone, sipping on a glass of wine, feeling relaxed and dressed comfortably in my oh so feminine PJs, many thoughts are swimming in my mind. Since it is rare that I am able to enjoy my home without hubby and the kids, I have time to lounge without feeling obligated to do something. I choose to write and share my thoughts on a nagging topic.
Over the years, I have heard women express concern about their relationships. They have openly shared their frustration about their husbands no longer satisfying them. The things they use to do are no longer done. The things they long for them to do were never done. Why is this? Were they ever clear about their needs? Did they disclose how they like things to be done?
Now, I am not just talking about sex and intimacy, although this is quite important. In fact, I am referencing all things in their relationships, even things that may seem minor. From how to manage the household to how to be organized to who will handle chores to who will pay bills. Most of the time the minor things are the most frustrating.
Men do not realize that life can be a lot simpler, calmer and peaceful at home if they tend to the little things. Tending to the little things that matter to their wives will eventually lead to what they want -- more sex and peace. On the other hand, women often do not disclose their wants and desires with their husbands to ensure that their own needs are met, at least in a calm manner. How can someone take care of you the way you want them to if you do not share how it should be done? We should not have to read each others' minds.
Does your husband know that if he washes the dishes every now and then, you would be thrilled?
Does your husband know that if he takes the kids to their activities before you ask, then you would emotionally be in a better place?
Does your husband know that if he arranges child care and takes you out to dinner without there being a special occasion, then you would be elated?
Does your husband know that if he changes the light bulbs without being asked, then you would be less frustrated?
These are just a sample of the little things that can make a major difference to a woman who needs more from her mate than money and sex. However, many women expect their husbands to just know everything, but it is impossible. If you haven't had discussions with your husband to advise him of just what makes you happy, then you cannot be angry that he does not know.
Recently, my husband and I watched one of Oprah's Life Classes that featured author and marriage and family life expert, Dr. Gary Chapman. He talked about his book entitled 5 Love Languages and the importance of knowing how your mate wants and needs to be loved. We all assume that we are considerate of our mates' feelings and desires. However, we are often incorrect in how to satisfy them. Do we ever ask how they want to be loved? Do we ever ask how we can make them happy? You would be amazed at how this bit of information could make a major difference in the success of your relationship.
The show was eye opening and encouraged my husband and I to visit Dr. Chapman's website, www.5lovelanguages.com, to take a quiz. The quiz helped us identify our own love languages, so that we can communicate better and express our love for one another in a stronger way. It led to very interesting discussions. I know many men do not enjoy having in depth discussions about love and communication, but I must say that my husband was intrigued by this. Why wouldn't he be? He definitely benefited from it. I know for certain how he likes IT and he knows how I like IT. It is a win-win situation!
After 18 years of being happily married, I still learned a thing or two about how to satisfy my husband. If you need clarification in your relationship, just ask the question "honey, how do you like it?" and make sure that he knows how you like it too.
To defining how you want to be loved,
Sabrina
Suburban Mom
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
What's in Your Marriage Contract? You Have One, Right?
Most likely, many couples did not have a marriage contract in place prior to tying the knot. Let me be very clear, I am not referring to a prenuptial agreement. Instead, I am referring to many of the unspoken things you wish you addressed way back when. For example, what happens when either party's physical features change, will there be children in the family, who will be the primary caregiver when children arrive, will both parties have to work and contribute to the family financially, what will you have to do to ensure a lustful relationship, how do you prioritize your relationship even when there are children, etc. These are important things that are rarely addressed until you are legally bound.
Today, I want to focus on the visual you, the physical you, the sexual you.
Do any of the following comments sound familiar, even if they were made jokingly?
Well, I feel comfortable to share with you that during the time my then boyfriend now husband and I dated through several years of our marriage (even post children), my husband frequently stated "if you get fat, I am leaving you." Did I believe these harsh words? Of course I did. However, I was not offended. I knew his expectations up front. I also take pride in my physical self and I would not allow my weight to get out of control. I will admit that I am challenged with keeping my weight in tact, especially after having two children, but I will never become obese. He does not have to worry. I honor this term in our marriage contract.
For me, it is not just a matter of size. It is also a matter of style. There are so many times when I take my daughter to gymnastics practice and I see some moms who are notorious for looking as though they just rolled out of bed. They look sloppy. This is unnecessary. I don't care how bad life gets, the world does not need to see the weight on your shoulders. If I am insulted for you as a fellow mom, how do you think your spouse feels? In the evening, if you look the same as you did when your husband left in the morning, then you have to admit you have a problem that needs to be addressed. Remember, if you look better, you will feel better. If you feel better, you will do better.
What about the sex? Yes, I am asking the question. Was this topic addressed in your marriage contract? Did you discuss the importance and the significance of satisfying each other's needs to maintain a healthy relationship? I think it is reasonable to assume that if you are struggling to maintain your sexy, then you are really struggling to nurture a consistent, meaningful, desirable sexual relationship with your husband. This is very important because without the intimacy you are just roommates. I know you have heard this before...if he isn't making love to you then he is making love to someone else. Do not wait until this occurs to take action. Do not let go of your relationship so quickly and easily. Make the change now.
The good news is that it is not too late to create a marriage contract for the future of your relationship. Trust me, both you and your husband will appreciate it. It gives you an opportunity to be honest about your expectations and about what will stimulate and motivate you to be the best you and a better wife.
Keep it sexy!
Sabrina
Suburban Mom
Today, I want to focus on the visual you, the physical you, the sexual you.
Do any of the following comments sound familiar, even if they were made jokingly?
- If you get fat, I am leaving you.
- You don't look as good as when we were dating.
- I am going to trade you in for a younger model.
- No, I wasn't checking her out (although it was done right in front of you).
Well, I feel comfortable to share with you that during the time my then boyfriend now husband and I dated through several years of our marriage (even post children), my husband frequently stated "if you get fat, I am leaving you." Did I believe these harsh words? Of course I did. However, I was not offended. I knew his expectations up front. I also take pride in my physical self and I would not allow my weight to get out of control. I will admit that I am challenged with keeping my weight in tact, especially after having two children, but I will never become obese. He does not have to worry. I honor this term in our marriage contract.
For me, it is not just a matter of size. It is also a matter of style. There are so many times when I take my daughter to gymnastics practice and I see some moms who are notorious for looking as though they just rolled out of bed. They look sloppy. This is unnecessary. I don't care how bad life gets, the world does not need to see the weight on your shoulders. If I am insulted for you as a fellow mom, how do you think your spouse feels? In the evening, if you look the same as you did when your husband left in the morning, then you have to admit you have a problem that needs to be addressed. Remember, if you look better, you will feel better. If you feel better, you will do better.
What about the sex? Yes, I am asking the question. Was this topic addressed in your marriage contract? Did you discuss the importance and the significance of satisfying each other's needs to maintain a healthy relationship? I think it is reasonable to assume that if you are struggling to maintain your sexy, then you are really struggling to nurture a consistent, meaningful, desirable sexual relationship with your husband. This is very important because without the intimacy you are just roommates. I know you have heard this before...if he isn't making love to you then he is making love to someone else. Do not wait until this occurs to take action. Do not let go of your relationship so quickly and easily. Make the change now.
The good news is that it is not too late to create a marriage contract for the future of your relationship. Trust me, both you and your husband will appreciate it. It gives you an opportunity to be honest about your expectations and about what will stimulate and motivate you to be the best you and a better wife.
Keep it sexy!
Sabrina
Suburban Mom
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
He Loves You but He Doesn't Lust After You
Do you ever find yourself questioning whether or not your husband still wants you? In the early stages of your marriage, I am sure that your love making sessions were hot and heavy. Experimentation and exploration of each other led to intense, pleasurable moments. Right? Even if his sexual appetite was greater than yours, you probably felt really good to be wanted. He ensured that he showed you how badly you were desired. You felt sexy. But things have changed over the last few years. Intimacy is limited, love making is less intense and infrequent, and sex is just that, sex. So, what happened? Life...
Life got serious. You created your path and worked hard for the marriage, the 2.5 children, the house in the suburbs. After careers, children, mortgages, car payments, tuition, etc., everyone has to grow up. We all change once responsibilities increase and challenges arise. Unfortunately, it changes who we are and who we become. As women, we change physically and emotionally. In many cases, it is not an improvement. Men watch intently for the change, as they are often told that this occurs within women after marriage and childbirth. Don't satisfy this anticipation.
If you realize the love making (if it exists) just isn't the same, do something about it. Don't give up so easily. Don't succumb to the thought of "I am his wife and the mother of his children and he should accept me for who I am". That is bullshit. Yes, he knows this but he still wants the maternal woman to take care of him and his kids, and I hate to say it, he wants the whore in the bedroom. Face it, that's just the way it is.
Yes, it is acknowledging that men are physical and visual. You know that your appearance is crucial to keeping his attention. Didn't you look beautiful when you first met? Didn't you ensure that each time you went on a date you looked fabulous to make him want you? It is still important if you want to keep him.
Can you honestly look in the mirror and say that you always look your best and feel secure that your man thinks you look wonderful? If you are hesitant in responding positively, then imagine what he is thinking and feeling. Stop wearing sweats everywhere you go. Apply a little makeup to polish your look. Lose the excessive weight to look your best, to be healthy and to increase your stamina. He will notice. He may also begin to show you, again, that he is interested in being with you intimately.
Keep in mind that you are competing with the women he spends time with at the office, the women he meets when he is traveling for business, the women he sees every morning when he purchases his coffee. Regardless of what is going on in their lives, if they are on their way to work, they probably look darn good. They are putting their best foot forward. This is what he sees every single day during the week. This is who you are competing with for his attention.
Many women believe they will forever be bonded to their men emotionally and physically because they have children and they have built a life together. The reality is that people change and often men want the family life, but they also want a hot wife who stimulates them. You were able to do it once and you can do it again.
As a woman who has been happily married for 18 years, rears two children, manages a household and runs a business, I believe I have earned the right to provide you with a little advice. Always look your best to feel your best. When you feel your best, you do your best. Make a concerted effort to be fabulous every day. When he witnesses the change in you, he will return. He will want you. He will lust after you.
To your mommy reinvention,
Sabrina
Suburban Mom
Life got serious. You created your path and worked hard for the marriage, the 2.5 children, the house in the suburbs. After careers, children, mortgages, car payments, tuition, etc., everyone has to grow up. We all change once responsibilities increase and challenges arise. Unfortunately, it changes who we are and who we become. As women, we change physically and emotionally. In many cases, it is not an improvement. Men watch intently for the change, as they are often told that this occurs within women after marriage and childbirth. Don't satisfy this anticipation.
If you realize the love making (if it exists) just isn't the same, do something about it. Don't give up so easily. Don't succumb to the thought of "I am his wife and the mother of his children and he should accept me for who I am". That is bullshit. Yes, he knows this but he still wants the maternal woman to take care of him and his kids, and I hate to say it, he wants the whore in the bedroom. Face it, that's just the way it is.
Yes, it is acknowledging that men are physical and visual. You know that your appearance is crucial to keeping his attention. Didn't you look beautiful when you first met? Didn't you ensure that each time you went on a date you looked fabulous to make him want you? It is still important if you want to keep him.
Can you honestly look in the mirror and say that you always look your best and feel secure that your man thinks you look wonderful? If you are hesitant in responding positively, then imagine what he is thinking and feeling. Stop wearing sweats everywhere you go. Apply a little makeup to polish your look. Lose the excessive weight to look your best, to be healthy and to increase your stamina. He will notice. He may also begin to show you, again, that he is interested in being with you intimately.
Keep in mind that you are competing with the women he spends time with at the office, the women he meets when he is traveling for business, the women he sees every morning when he purchases his coffee. Regardless of what is going on in their lives, if they are on their way to work, they probably look darn good. They are putting their best foot forward. This is what he sees every single day during the week. This is who you are competing with for his attention.
Many women believe they will forever be bonded to their men emotionally and physically because they have children and they have built a life together. The reality is that people change and often men want the family life, but they also want a hot wife who stimulates them. You were able to do it once and you can do it again.
As a woman who has been happily married for 18 years, rears two children, manages a household and runs a business, I believe I have earned the right to provide you with a little advice. Always look your best to feel your best. When you feel your best, you do your best. Make a concerted effort to be fabulous every day. When he witnesses the change in you, he will return. He will want you. He will lust after you.
To your mommy reinvention,
Sabrina
Suburban Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)